Need Your Help

Really, I do. Does anyone really know the "rules" of dating? Are they outlined somewhere, or should someone have told me them? I mean, I have my own personal rules about kissing or stuff like that (and I guess they are right?), but then there is stuff that I just don't know about. In my ignorance to dating, I don't want to leave others feeling hurt. I just have simple, if not stupid questions about dating. You know, like how many times do you go out with someone before it is more of a committed relationship? What’s the best way to say "no" to a second date (or first or third for that matter)? Is it ok to go on dates with 2 different guys at the same time, or is that kinda slutty? Anyway, if you have any opinions/answers, feel free to leave some comments.

Ok, now to the picture. So my new job at the library is, um, well, a job. I get to do cool things like move computer mouses (mice?) to wake computers up for people who think they are broken, find books for people who don't even attempt to look themselves, put paper in the printers, and update my blog! The woman in the picture isn’t me, but just imagine smiling, helpful me sitting there with a nice glowing "Information/Reference" sign above my head. On exciting days we get new books in and I get to take the old ones downstairs! Sometimes, people ask me for a stapler!

You think I would meet hot smart guys there, but they just pass on by.

The List

I'm such a loser. I went out on a perfectly good date, with a perfectly nice guy, and had a perfectly good time, yet I still came home and thought about my ex-boyfriend. I thought how much I miss him and how much I wish he could be here right now. Those thoughts spiral me into thoughts of how maybe my mother is right when she says that every time I eat a cookie that's one more day I will have to live at home because I won't be married. Eventually, I see myself as the crazy cat (or, at this point, maybe rat) lady, you know, the ones that carry on whole conversations with their pets (seeing as my roommate tells me to stop talking to the rats, I figure I am well on my way). Anyway, in order to think about the good things and not the bad, I am making a list of only the good things that have come out of this breakup (I'm sure I could make a bad list, but I am trying hard not to get much more depressed):

1. I actually have stuck to my workout schedule.
1. at least now I don't feel fat and lazy
   
2. I go to bed at an earlier time
3. I go to bed at a somewhat consistent time
4. I don't rely on others to entertain me as much
1. I probably just rely on MTV for that
5. I've made sure I look just a little nicer, at least when I go off-campus
1. ok, so maybe I don't always look nicer, but I think about attempting it
2. I wore makeup today when I went to the mall

There are probably more positive things, but I think I might see them with time (hopefully).

The Domino Effect

Have you ever looked at yourself and thought, “Yeah, I am older.” Now, I know it sounds stupid coming from an 18 year old, but isn’t there always a point where you realize this? Maybe not.

I don’t know where I am going with this. I was just flat ironing my hair a few minutes ago when I though this. Earlier today I had been feeling guilty about never updating this thing. But as I watched the steam come off my hair (yeah, those “wet to set” flat irons are totally cool and yet scary at the same time) I was thinking of going to work tomorrow and what I needed to pack before I move back to school for the summer. That’s when it hit me, “I’m a little older” I thought. While in my other job I am responsible for children, they are much younger than me, often only 5 or 6 years old. But now in my new job I am responsible for “young people” (I find that term annoying) that are the same age as some of my friends from back home. It’s weird that now that I am in college I haven’t heard anyone call me a “teenager,” although that’s what I am. People have started to assume my age is more secretive now, not something that they should freely ask me to disclose. And lets not kid ourselves, I really look like I should I should be having a sweet sixteen party. I’d be worried if I rolled up to my child’s high school and found that the coach looked the same age as my child. But maybe hearing the words “college” makes parents feel better.

It can’t just be this new job that makes me feel this way, there are other things that make me notice a little more maturity. Moving back to school this summer creates some problems I have to worry about. Packing is mostly just being a hassle, I moved myself out of my room, I figure I am capable of moving myself back to school especially because my mother is helping me. The closer move in for summer semester gets, the more I am worrying about money. With my coaching job not paying ‘till end of summer, not many hours due to location at my first job, and my on-campus summer job not paying but once a month, I am worried I won’t have enough money to buy food for the first few weeks. I have gone the whole freshman year without having to ask my parents for any money. I worked hard to earn enough money so I could work less during the school year but still be able to have spending money. However, this summer was mostly unexpected. Top it off with the fact that there is no meal plan so I have to buy and cook all my meals. I’ve borrowed some pots and pans from people so I didn’t have to buy those, but there are still a few expensive things I need buy before I even get to school.

I know, I know, most people are finding this crazy and wishing they only had to worry about these few things. But remember, this is just the beginning of me feeling older.

But then there are times when I feel so young. Most of the time this happens when I am with people my own age. Say I am with my friends at college; they all seem so much older than me. So much more experienced and mature. Sheltered is the word that could describe me. My roommate tells me sometimes “you look like a little kid.” I guess I have childlike tendencies that I don’t know about. I’m young for my grade, so I wonder if that plays a role. Or was it just the way I was brought up and the location I grew up in? Just about anyone who knows me would probably say I am sheltered and innocent. I have lots of people tell me I give off an “air of innocence.” My recent ex-boyfriend, sometimes when we were having troubles, would say something along the lines of “well, there is just such an age difference between us” when really he was less than 2 years older than me (boyfriend-another thing that makes me feel older). Do I act that much younger than I am?

Maybe I just feel old and act young. Not that that is a bad thing. But it could be when I am already young. That would be like being on the TLC show “Ten Years Younger” while only 18. “Wow, she really looks like she is just eight now!” they would exclaim at the end. That wouldn’t be good. It’s hard to find guys who aren’t just plain creepy if you are that young.

But I have a feeling much of this talk of “innocence” (especially by the ex) is entangled with sexual innocence and not just innocence as a personality trait. Can I really count that as being innocent? I mean, it isn’t like I walk around campus or at work showing off that side of me. Maybe that side of me does just permeate my personality. Either way, I don’t think that type of innocence is bad. Personally I am proud that I have kept that trait so long. I know it eventually will be lost, but how can that innocence be a bad thing?

You know how one thought leads right into the other? Yeah, sorry about this post.

But that’s it. One thing in your life can throw you off, making you look at other things in a different light. Isn’t my whole previous ramble about being older or acting younger just really me worrying if I am acting acceptably in the eyes of others? This last relationship is the first broken relationship where I didn’t do the “breaking.” This whole thing is just me wondering what was wrong with me. Why wasn’t I good enough?

I think I have divulged in some previous post that I have a near obsession with making everyone happy and wanting everyone to like me.

While I’m doing ok with the break up, I am still a little bit shaken. I cry lots still. But I know that I am young. I also like to think that everything happens for a reason. This is just time to focus on myself a little more. But all these rationalizations aren’t enough sometimes; there are still the girly thoughts like “if I was skinnier” or “I won’t find someone unless I am prettier.” There is still the sadness of losing a best friend. That’s the thing about a break-up (at least for me) the person you want to talk to and explain things to the most doesn’t want to listen.

Maybe I can use this whole discover/catharsis to feel better in the long run. Maybe it has helped me figure out my problems. Maybe. I shouldn’t worry so much about what other people think of me. Or maybe I should see it as the world is full of people who you have to interact with. Caring a little bit about how people view you makes life easier, don’t you think? Maybe all this talk of being old or acting younger will disappear when I am over my ex. Maybe it will just go away as I feel better about myself. How am I supposed to feel better about myself when I worry about how I portray myself?

I want to just go through life and not have to worry about this, but it is difficult. Is the best thing just to put it out of my mind, or just to sit down and have a good think (and probably cry) about it? Its probably best to keep on keepin’ on, I guess. Life goes on whether I need a break to think or not.

It’s time for bed. Work tomorrow. Maybe I will realize more things with time.

ps- umm, yeah, sorry it's so long and rambleing. I have the bad (?) habit of figuring things out as I blog.